Yeah I did tell you in my recent post that I’m so much admiring someone right now. I’m just gonna go and write whatever pops up in my mind as I write this. I apologize again for having no unity and no clear stream of thought. I’m just so glad that not a lot of people I know use tumblr, so this becomes my runaway place to pour out emotions. So back to my admiration. I’ve liked her since I was in 2nd year high school. At first she was intimidating, because of her chic personality, her awesome poise, her sophisticated demeanor (I don’t even know if those were the right words to describe her, but they do sound fancy). We met in a modeling gig for the upcoming sophomores night. That wasn’t the first time I’ve seen her though. I kinda see her and hear about he being all that pretty, but I never really took notice. Among the group of girl models, she was probably the friendliest and easiest to talk to. I kinda remember our first conversation was with a common friend of ours, and it was only small talk. I told her a joke though, and she kinda giggled. And that was our first friendly encounter. The days went by as we continually saw each other because of modeling practices for the night itself. We got to see each other after school and on weekends. We even went out with the modeling group to eastwood. And in all that time, I’ve admired her from the moment I met her. She has a really friendly voice that’s soothing to listen to. I secretly just stare at her. I didn’t give a damn, I just wanted to be with her. When the actual night came, it was a blast! We kinda got to talk deeply, I even bought her a drink (juice, not alcohol). I never really buy anyone drinks unless I like them. But as I remember, we never got to talk alone, because there was a lot of people around, and a lot of distractions. After the event, someone organized an outing at eastwood for all the models and organizers. This was the opening I needed to maybe show how I feel for her. Alas, that didn’t happen, as someone already got to her first. Subtly, I tried to lead her away from him by telling her how much of a busy life he has being the batch representative and all, and how he might probably have no time for her. Eventually I gave up, because she obviously has a man. A few months after that, I got myself a girlfriend.

We never lost touch. We’d talk here and then, catching up on new things, veting some problems and hurts. My like for her wasn’t there though, because I respected the fact that she had a man and I had my own girl. In about a year later, I broke up with my girl. I then found out that she too broke up with her man. We met again in a friend’s birthday party, and we broke from the group to talk alone. I had probably the best heart to heart conversation I’ve had in a long time. It’s good to reconnect with old friends after your heart’s been broken. My affection for her kinda came back that night, but I let the feeling slip for a while. It really came back a month after, when she came to see a show in Sibol. She hugged me. Awkward hug, but nakakakilig nonetheless. Then she texted me and congratulated for a great show. Then I replied. And replied and replied again. From then on, I thought I might light the old flame in my heart again. I vowed to be cautious though, because I didn’t wanna get hurt, least of all from a crush. I tried asking her out and all, but there’s always a reason why it didn’t push through. Occasionally, I’d give up and stop texting and talking to her. But admiration always finds a way to get back out. I’ll be relentless until I get her, I thought. Then, we met in a school event in the recent World Youth Day. It was late at night, and we broke from our own groups to eat out in the food stalls area, Then we sat down on the curbs by the parking lot and talk about random things. I don’t remember much what we talked about, because I was part shy, part ecstatic, part I don’t know what. I hate it when I’m like that, when I rehearse all these lines in my head to make me look all sexy and suave to a girl. Yet when I talk to one, I could swear all I’m talking about is blabber and nonsense. So anyway, it was a memorable night. There were so many hints that show that she might probably like me, but I’m not so sure. I keep on wondering if she’s really trying to tell me that she likes me back, but since I’m confused and skeptical, she’ll be turned off by my ignorance and stuff. But she finally agreed to go out with me, though a Black Eyed Peas concert last Oct. 25. She met my family too, and she thought they were awesome. My family thought that way to, saying she’s nice and all. The night was very memorable, and I got so much close to her in the ride back to her brother who was gonna take her home. I tried to take her out after, but there’s always a reason to why we eventually don’t. I won’t take it against her if she’s just making excuses. A friend told me that maybe she doen’t want to go out with just us. That’s why I’ll kill for a soiree so we could have a solid base of common friends that can go out and stuff. 

So up to now, I’m relentless. It’ll take a whole lot for me to give up on her. I’m hoping her signs of liking me back are legit, and that she doesn’t do it on other guys. I’d be the happiest man in the world if we would be together.

Staying up ‘til 2 in the morning on a school night is not at all productive. I’m rationalizing this by thinking that since it’s the first day after the sembreak, nothing much will happen tomorrow. However, there are a lot of things happening tomorrow. Deadlines have to be met that I haven’t even worked on. I have TD kids to teach, and once again, I’m not ready to teach them. This kind of attitude doesn’t really pass for a shot as a CEO in a bigshot company in the future. This kind of attitude won’t even get me though college, if I’m hoping to get in one of the hardest courses the Ateneo has to offer. I can’t explain my laziness. It’s just there, and no amount of inspiration can give me the drive to stand up and do schoolwork. My mind’s playing tricks on me, as it’s continually rationalizing how unimportant school is. It’s not about how much you know, but who you know. It keeps showing me images of bigshot people such as Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Michael Jordar who didn’t even finish college, yet earn more than management engineering can give you in the future. But I know all this is a fallacy, and that most of the teenagers dropping out of school hoping to make it big the the real world either end up broke or rely on their parents for some money. So I get the part that not all dropouts are successful. They can be, with ingenuity, inborn skill and talent, and sheer luck. In my tender age, I know not if I possess these talents enough to make me rich without a college diploma. Perhaps one can only be certain if you absolutely know, without a doubt, that you’re 1) a genius or 2) you’re a whiz in sports. But I’m neither. Perhaps I can rely on my social skills, but then again 1) I don’t know enough people to make me big out there 2) I don’t think I have enough social skills to seduce and flirt with people enough to give me a high paying job that’s fun and out of an office or cubicle.

In other words, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. In an attitude test I took back in 1st year high school, I scored record low grades for school appreciation, teacher appreciation, work habits, etc etc etc. I’m not all that dumb though, test reveal that my IQ’s above average, but decreasing as the years go by (132 back in 1st year. 129 when I checked back in 4th year, Although take note that these are two different tests, so there’s a lack in information and source). And even if I get through college, I don’t think my skills and world knowledge are enough to get me to where every man dreams to be. I’d like to think positively and all, but I’ll never do that unless I climb out of this hole which is my laziness and face work the way a model student would. If anyone can help me, I would appreciate any sort of help. And it is true that I don’t appreciate my education, even though my family practically hammers education appreciation because they didn’t receive a proper one themselves. Maybe what I don’t like is the routine which is school; getting up early everyday, leaving home at 7:30pm (I have an org that meets everyday). I’m losing will to wake up to school as the days go by. In my heart I’m yearning for college, yet I know deep down inside that what happened in high school will again happen in college, for we are what we do repeatedly, and I’ve been delinquent repeatedly. I know the pros of being in school. A lot of people, including myself, complain about heavy workloads and tight deadlines and stuff that we don’t really need in the future. Yet, really successful men and women use seemingly useless data to their advantage and create innovations, discover new things, build things we never thought we’d need, etc etc etc. Their meticulous attention to detail and “useless things” is what put them to the top. And the heavy workload is just a calm stream compared to the raging river/killer torrential waves of work that’ll come to us when we get a decent job as an adult. So practically, there’s no use in complaining about school because, if you’re really all that brilliant, you can use all of school to your damn advantage. But somehow, I cant utilize all of school. I’m tied down by my laziness and lack of appreciation of the finer details. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to look at; the bigger picture, or the fine details? Questions questions questions. And coming back to my problem of deadlines I’m yet to meet, I dont think they’re really that much. It’s the fact that I haven’t really finished on anything that’s making this problem look big. I had practically the WHOLE SEMBREAK to work on them, but I only started working on stuff 2 days before the last day. Screw me over, I have no right to complain. But I do it anyway, hoping for a miracle that maybe the break could be extended even further, and I’d have more time to procrastinate than do the work already. So there’s TD tutoring I have to worry about, because I’m not ready with what I’m going to teach (GCF/LCM. Seems pretty easy, but teaching is always more difficult than learning). I have the balloon powered car for physics I have to worry about (even though we practically built it before the sembreak started, we were supposed to improve on it, which I didn’t do. To add to that, it started to break apart since the glued parts weren’t so stable). Then there’s Catcher in the Rye for English (I’ve finished the book already, but that doesn’t mean you can skip reviewing and just wing all the quizes, which I’ve also done). Then who knows what’s up for math (I think there’s a quiz, or longtest, or whatever). Then there’s Dulaang Sibol, an org I would very much walk out from if they will accept it without bad feelings (I’m so much unmotivated and uninspired in that org. It’s not all that bad, it’s just that I’ve realized I can’t really handle everyday meetings and all the commitment stuff. Most members are so much happier and are way better members than I am. Putting me in a position of authority in the group pretty much makes matters worse, since I’m expected to be a role model at all times, even though I don’t do that most of the time). All this really makes me feel depressed. Sometimes, I cry because I’m wasting the opportunities my family gives me. They’d kill to go back to school and finish and get a diploma and all that. Here I am, not giving a damn about my grades and all. For an honor student, I’m probably the worst of them all, a perfect example of a dirty underachiever. 

To the readers who managed to read this far, I apologize for having no unity and clear subject in my blog. The title says it all, I’m just contemplating on how I’ve lived my life so far. I have more feelings to dish out in future posts (my admiration of someone, my depression, my lack of motivation, my choices in life I wish I could’ve changed).

I’ve started reading it! First 3 chapters palang, suspense na @.@

Sibol day today was song day. I pushed my song decision to the last minute. I was choosing between Bieber songs and Mraz songs. In the end, Bieber appealed to me. Then I asked myself: Which Bieber song?

At first, I was set for one less lonely girl. Then I changed to One Time. BUT in the end I picked U smile (hehe U smell). I’m not much of a Belieber, but I just think the guy’s great. I respect him for his talent. 

Then we casted for our first play this school year: Hervacio Tubulan. More details on this play coming soon. Backbone plot is that it’s about a boy trying to fit in in school. My choice was a conyo kid. But then they casted me as bakla. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t gay. Our moderator was like “I have trust in Mav, di naman siya tutuluyang maging bakla.” Hehe true. It’s gonna be a challenge though. It’s a comedy play, and I have a hard time with comedy plays. Anyway, I hope I break a leg. As they say in theater, not in real life :|

Taking us from Afghanistan in the final days of the monarchy to the present, The Kite Runner is the unforgettable, beautifully told story of the friendship between two boys growing up in Kabul. Raised in the same household and sharing the same wet nurse, Amir and Hassan nonetheless grow up in different worlds: Amir is the son of a prominent and wealthy man, while Hassan, the son of Amir’s father’s servant, is a Hazara, member of a shunned ethnic minority. Their intertwined lives, and their fates, reflect the eventual tragedy of the world around them. When the Soviets invade and Amir and his father flee the country for a new life in California, Amir thinks that he has escaped his past. And yet he cannot leave the memory of Hassan behind him.

The Kite Runner is a novel about friendship, betrayal, and the price of loyalty. It is about the bonds between fathers and sons, and the power of their lies. Written against a history that has not been told in fiction before, The Kite Runnerdescribes the rich culture and beauty of a land in the process of being destroyed. But with the devastation, Khaled Hosseini also gives us hope: through the novel’s faith in the power of reading and storytelling, and in the possibilities he shows for redemption.

-http://www.khaledhosseini.com/hosseini-books-kiterunner.html

So I read The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. It’s part of our English book list that were gonna read sometime in th school year. Since I heard, it was a good read, I began reading it immediately. I must say, it didn’t disappoint. It’s an inspiring and gripping story about a man’s journey from childhood, having to grow through the ravaged country of Afghanistan, as well as his quest for redemption for his past sins to his loyal childhood friend. As much as it’s an eye-opener to the violent history of Afghanistan for the past century, it’s also an inspiring story of unrelenting loyalty, love and hope. I know a lot of books are like that, but I can say this book was a little closer to the heart. Maybe because it’s hard to ignore how this book showed how far a friend would go and how deep his loyalty could get.

For you, a thousand times over

Just one of the lines in the book that touches the heart. Honestly, it had a lot of teary-eyed moments. It makes you think about your mistakes and how it’ll follow you all the way and never leaves your memory, all the way even until your death bed. It makes you think how far you, yourself, would go in the name of friendship. The ending was morose, but hopeful. I would really recommend it to people. I hope they don’t watch the movie first. Not that I’ve watched it to say that it’s not any good, but I just have something against books-turned-movies.

So sibol day today was laba day. We gathered all the costumes and clothes in sibol and did the laundry. Without washing machines and stuff. We do things manualy, and laundry’s one of them. As the amateurs that we were in that chore, we didn’t really know how to to it. We just made use of whatever detergent, powder or bar soap that was there. Of course, we found a way to sneak in a little fun in the work. We all got wet as we played with the hose and drenched ourselves with water from the basins. I didn’t bring slippers, so I had to walk barefoot on the rocky floor, because I didnt want my shoes to get wet. They say that with friends, hard labor will be easy and enjoyable. This was proven today, because everyone really had so much fun! We pretended to swim in the basins, throwing wild wet parties, and fun under the hot sun. Now I’m excited for Sibol summer!